CatCF in 15 minutes
by KnuxZimRyoko15
Summary: In response to some people: Yeah, no DUH I'm not Cleolinda, I wish i was. This is a tribute to her.
1. Chapter 1

INTRO

We zoom in to the giant factory, and go in through the chimney, which will be a plot point later on. After diving right into a vat of chocolate, we see a whole bunch of crazy crap going on, proving that Tim Burton's obsessed with making overly-complex gadgets to do simple stuff. Oh! And we get to see Johnny Depp's hand for five seconds.

Rabid Depp fangirls: OMG he's sooooooo hawt!

The trucks carry away the candy, plus the Golden tickets, to parts unknown. They pass a very sad-looking boy.

Disembodied Narrator: This is the story of Charlie Bucket, who was dirt-poor, lived in a shack, and ate cabbage. Life sucked, but hey, he was the luckiest boy alive.

Charlie:……that's messed up.

AT HOME

Mrs. Bucket is cooking something nasty in a pot, the grandparents are being old in bed, and Charlie's drawing pictures in his textbook. Mr. Bucket comes in.

Mr. Bucket: I smell like fluoride. KISS ME!

Mrs. Bucket: At least you don't smell like cabbage. Speaking of which, soup's done.

Mr. Bucket: Charlie, I brought you a present!

Charlie: What! Clothes that actually fit?

Mr. Bucket: Nope! Wonky toothpaste caps! pulls them out 

Charlie:….Thanks. Oh! picks one up This one's perfect for my Willy Wonka shrine of crazy! pulls it out and attaches it 

All: stare at it

Grandpa George: Am I the only one creeped out by that?

Grandpa Joe: Wow, it looks just like him, and I know that because of this nifty backstory! I worked for Wonka a long time ago, back when I wasn't so wrinkly.

Charlie: you did?

Grandma Josephine: He did!

Grandpa George: He did!

Grandma Georgina: I SHALL RULE YOU ALL! BWAHAHA!

20 YEARS AGO

Apparently, Willy Wonka got his start in a really tiny shop on some street somewhere. Grandpa Joe looks great in an apron

Grandpa Joe voice-over: Ok, so he got his start in this really little shop, but the whole world wanted him.

Fans: WHAT ELSE IS NEW!

Young Wonka: I don't have a silly haircut yet. W00t!

Chocolate bird: WHASSUUUUUUUUUUP!

Grandpa Joe: The dude was a genius. Not a deranged psychopath. Honest.

Me: Riiiiiiiiiight.

15 YEARS AGO

We're back outside the factory. The chimney looms overhead. Yeah, that's a future plot point.

Grandpa J.: So anyway, he decided to open up a huge factory, 50 times bigger than all the rest. If you can't tell yet, he's a bit eccentric.

Charlie: Naaw, DUH.

Grandpa J.: So long story short, people stole his secrets and he closed the factory, and no one's been in or out for the past 15 years. Spooky, eh?

Charlie: But then, who works there?

Grandpa J.: Space aliens. Now go to bed, Charlie.

Charlie: But I wanna obsess over Wonka some more!

All: BED!

Charlie: grumbles and climbs up to his room

Room: is basically a Wonka-shrine, with drawing of the factory and candy wrappers taped to the wall

Charlie/Wonka shippers: WE LOVE YOU TIM BURTON!

NEXT DAY

Little signs are put up all over the place that announce a candy contest. Five golden tickets are hidden in five chocolate bars all over the world. The world goes bananas looking for them, including a very humorous scene involving two chickens and a goat.

Grandpa J.: Wouldn't it be great to find a golden ticket?

Charlie: yeah, but I only get one bar a year.

Fans: FEEL THE ANGST AND TREMBLE.

Mrs. Bucket: well, it's your conveniently placed birthday next week Charlie! You might win it then!

Grandpa George: nope, he hasn't gotta chance. I will eat these words before the movie's done.

THE FINDING OF THE GOLDEN TICKETS

The first ticket was found in Germany, despite the non-denominational feel of the book. This has happened in both films.

Augustus Gloop: I am fat and one-dimensional. Let me stuff my face on-camera. does so

The next was found in England. See earlier note.

Veruca Salt: I am snobby and spoiled beyond comprehension, but aren't I adorable!

Next one's found in Georgia.

Violet Beauregarde: I TOTALLY kick butt. Oh, and I like gum.

Denver next.

Mike TeeVee: I'm way more of an obnoxious brat than either of the two previous versions. Ph33r my l33t gaming sk1llz. DIE!

Wonka:….I'm doomed.

BIRTHDAY!

Mrs. Bucket: I try to dampen the impending disappointment, but it doesn't work.

Charlie: I am hesitant to open this.

All: the suspense is killing me.

Charlie: opens it carefully

Chocolate Bar: Sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle.

Charlie: Dangit! Oh well, at least we can all get cavities. gives some to the rest of the family

Grandparents: If we're too old to walk, there's no way we could actually eat this.

Charlie: Sucks to be you! eats

NEXT DAY

Charlie's standing outside of the factory looking up at it. He sniffs the air.

Charlie: Mmm….I love the smell of Wonka in the morning.

C/W shippers: drool

Gay guy: I have a really tiny dog. Oh! And I come bearing angsty news. The last ticket was found in Russia.

Charlie: SOB

Money: Oh stop you sniveling.

Charlie: Despite my crushing poverty, and ignoring that this much money could feed my family for a month, I'm gonna go buy me some candy! rips the wrapper

Golden ticket: Hi there!

Charlie: OMG I TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!

Fans: DUH.


	2. Chapter 2

BACK AT HOME

Charlie: rushes in I GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET! Wootness.

Grandpa J.: Yippee! Let me dance crazily and break a hip to celebrate.

Mrs. Bucket: But it's like, Tomorrow dudes! Who's gonna take Charlie?

Grandpa J.: ME! MEEE! waves hand

Charlie: No. We need the money more than we need the chocolate. This scene only proves how adorable I am.

Audience: MELTS

Grandpa G.: Aww, shut up. We all know you're going.

FEBRUARY FIRST

Like, half a zillion people have gathered outside the gates of the factory, and the ticket winners are all lined up by the gates.

Mr. Salt: I am pompous, but afraid of my daughter.

Veruca: Yes you are. I WANNA GO IN!

Mr. Salt: whimper

Mrs. Gloop: If anything, I'm more of a pig than my son. I also have no fashion sense.

Augustus: Runs in the family! chomp chomp munch

Charlie: Do you think Mr. Wonka will recognize you grandpa?

Grandpa J.: No, I was WAY less wrinkly back then.

Mrs. Beauregarde: I have a mini-me for a daughter. We even have matching underwear!

Violet: chews gum, totally oblivious

Mike: There are no explosions, scantily clad women, or save points anywhere. I am totally bored.

Clock: strikes 10:00

Disembodied Wonka Voice: Open the gates! Come forward! Do the hokey-pokey!

Charlie: Even his VOICE is great!

Grandpa J.: Boy, I think you may be a lil obsessed.

Disembodied Wonka Voice: Dear visitors! I welcome you to my humble factory. And who am I?

Me: Like it wasn't painfully obvious…

Puppets: appear from nowhere and start dancing All your base are belong to Willy Wonka!

Ticket Winners: WTH!

Puppets: catch on fire and explode

Mike: Nope, still bored and NOW creeped out.

Willy Wonka: DIDN'T THAT RULE! clap clap

Mr. Salt: Where the crap did YOU come from!

Willy Wonka: Good Morning Starshine! The earth says…hello!

Fans: writes that down I think that's our new favorite line!

INSIDE

They're in a large hallway. It's not as interesting as the one in the '71 film, but hey! None of you are actually looking at it. You're all hypnotized by Wonka's hotness, huh?

Violet: hugs Wonka I'm a brown-noser!

Wonka:…I don't care. walks on

Veruca: My name is Veruca! curtsy

Wonka: Yeah, well you're annoying already.

Augustus: chomp chew I'm---

Wonka: --Disgusting. Out of my way.

Mike: TOTALLY bored.

Wonka: Nice to meet you! **turns to Charlie** And you, well you're just lucky to be here, aren't ya?

Charlie: You're WAY hotter in real life. My pipe cleaner statue doesn't do you justice.

Wonka:……I am both flattered and terrified. **motions to everyone** This way!

Door: I am tiny. Where is Alice when you need her?

Mike: Watch me be even MORE obnoxious than I was before.

Veruca: Is that even possible?

Mike: Yes.

THE CHOCOLATE ROOM

It's big. And smells like chocolate. It looks pretty too.

Wonka: Gene Wilder's got nothin' on this.

Augustus: …..I have died and gone to heaven. **Salivates**

Waterfall: I mix the chocolate, and make it light and frothy.

Wonka: that's MY line! Oh, whatever. Go stuff your face everyone!

Augustus: No need to tell ME twice! DART

Mr. Salt: stares at Wonka incredulously

Wonka: Got a problem?

Mike: HULK SMASH! jumps on a candy pumpkin NOW I'm not bored!

Veruca: Look! points what is it?

Mr. Salt: It's a pygmy!

Mr. TeeVee: It's an alien!

Wonka: no no no, it's Deep Roy clones! I got them in a little country that only I know about, and I pay them in cocoa beans.

Oompa-Loompa: You cheap bastard.

Augustus: Wow, I really AM a fat cow. Literally. falls in the chocolate river

Mrs. Gloop: MY SON! Help him!

Wonka: **looks bored** I wonder what's on television…

Mrs. Gloop: HE'S GONNA DROWN!

Wonka: whistles It sure is a nice day….

Augustus: I really, really hate you right now. gets stuck

The Oompa-Loompas start humming and getting ready to sing.

Oompa-Loompas: sings their little song We describe grotesque mutilation in a fun, kid-friendly way!

Wonka: Aren't they just ADORABLE?

Mr. Salt: That was rather creepy.

Wonka: Get used to it, we've got three songs left. Shall we keep going?

The boat arrives, propelled by at least 50 jacked-up-on-cocoa-beans Oompa-Loompas.

Seahorse Boat: I am stunning, and mysteriously only have enough seats for nine people.

Wonka: Huh, what a coincidence. ALL ABOARD!

They all get on. Mrs. Beauregarde flirts with Willy Wonka, but that just creeps him out.

Wonka: I shall sit in the very back, because everywhere else is full. Really, that's the reason.

Me: yeah, right.

Charlie: Wow, I'm sitting next to Mr. Wonka! I'm in fanboy heaven. Time to ask some exposition questions.

Wonka: Woah, flashback.

WONKA'S CHILDHOOD, PART ONE

It's Halloween in a stereo-typically British neighborhood, and lots of little weirdos are running around in tights.

Little Willy: I am adorable and angsty. Fear my headgear from hell.

Dr. Wonka: I am evil and sadistic. I shall taunt my son for five minutes before burning all his candy.

Little Willy: Can't I try a piece to see if I'm allergic?

Dr. Wonka: nope. I'm too evil for that.

Candy: BURN! BURN! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! makes creepy blue flames

Little Willy: WAAH!

BACK TO PRESENT

Wonka:….need to stop drinking cough syrup.

The boat goes flying down the tunnel and passes rooms that apparently weren't important enough to be in the film. Wonka stops the boat outside a room marked "Inventing Room, or 101 ways to bump off a Beauregarde".

Violet: I am starting to feel very, very nervous.

INVENTING ROOM

And we thought the opening scene had a lot of overly-complex gadgets. Lots of flashing lights and levers, liek woah.

Wonka: Please don't touch anything.

Kids: okay! goes and touches stuff

Wonka:….yeah. Okay! This is a Gobstopper. Points It lasts forever, and it's really nifty. Now THIS….points is Hair Toffee. Perfect for bald men and Michael Jordan.

Mike: You're really stupid. BORED NOW!

Wonka: And THIS is my super-special gum! It's a full three-course dinner!

Violet: Wow! I want it, cuz I'm impulsive and arrogant. grabs

Wonka: This can only end well. Does nothing to stop her

Violet: Augh, my butt's suddenly huge! swells up

Mrs. Beauregarde: Even though my daughter is now the size of the Hindenburg, I show no real concern for her well-being and instead gripe about how she can no longer compete.

Oompa-Loompas: Here we go again! sings Now we make fun of destructive habits to a funky 80's beat.

Wonka: dances Woo! …..I mean, what a pity.

Mrs. Beauregarde: I no longer have any desire to seduce you. rolls Violet to the Juicing room

Wonka:….thank GOD.


End file.
